Martin (aka the fat ninja)

The son of a 15th century high-ranking ninja and a TESCO’s shelf-stacker, Martin learned his trademark ninja skills at a very early age. Living with three non-ninja-skilled sisters, it was important for Martin to quickly learn the skills of his fore-fathers. Skills that included the throwing of rolled-up posters into the eye of his bigger sister hidden behind a chair, dodging projectiles such as wooden sandals, and locking his bedroom door from the inside and climbing out from his window, two-stories up.

Unable to find a suitable ninja clothing store in his local town, Martin was forced to fashion his garb from materials around the home. These included his mother’s black boiler suit, some black socks, black plimsolls and a scarf. Weapons would also prove a bit of a problem; so in his teens, Martin hand-crafted a katana in his metalwork class at school. This resulted in a D because the katana was a bit rubbish at doing anything other than wobbling like a piece of sheet metal.

After leaving ninja-school, Martin went undercover as a member of staff in a local computer shop. Only once was he called upon to use his ninja skills and this resulted in some stitches in the side of his head. It turns out that it isn’t wise to do a flying jump kick in a shop with low concrete ceiling beams.

Martin has been able to move undetected within society thanks to his uncanny ability to blend into his surroundings by not looking like a ninja. Martin is able to travel to work without being hassled to perform ninja tricks like a performing ninja-styled monkey. And as he’s aged, his ability to blend has improved thanks to his expanding waistline and decreasing hairline.

Likes: Skipping, pressing wild flowers, long walks in the park, jumping in puddles, rainbows, using his ninja skills to combat evil, playing video games, digital photography

Dislikes: Mould, bread with mould on it, fruit with mould on it, cucumber, beetroot, mouldy beetroot, getting mud on his ninja costume

Favourite video games: Alternate Reality (Atari 800XL version), Bomberman, Tempest, The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, The Last Ninja

Greatest achievement: Using his ninja 6th sense to beat someone at Virtua Fighter on the SEGA Saturn while standing behind the TV.